April 16, 2008


So I don't usually post much about the G-word, or get too preachy in my blog (well, in general, I don't start chatting about God at random times...not your typical seminarian, eh?)...but I have this deep need to share just a couple of my experiences this week where I saw God.

As you can tell from my posts, or if you've talked to me at all lately, I haven't been well emotionally for the past month or so...but it's been especially difficult the last couple weeks. I have been in a major rut of being really down on myself. While dealing with this depression, I hope that none of you become too concerned about me, because I know that it is temporary and just something I'm dealing with right now. A lot has been thrown at me all at the same time (crazy how that works!), along with trying to stay on top of things at school....just hasn't been easy. While it has been incredibly difficult for me to handle (lots of crying, sleepless nights, etc...), I have this feeling wayyyy deep down that this is all making me a better person in the long run. Everyone needs to confront issues they have with themselves, and actually DO something about it, rather than just letting it fester somewhere in your being. I don't want to go into it too much, especially on something so silly as a little blog post, but this can give you some idea why some of my posts may seem depressing. It's where I'm at right now.

So back to God. In the midst of all this, when I like to feel that "no one gets me" or something like that, God will just pop up every once in awhile. (Side note - if you don't believe in God, I am not at all about to force my beliefs on you...maybe you could think of it as "Something bigger than me" has been showing itself to me lately. Call it whatever makes you feel comfortable).

Ok, I keep rambling. Sorry. Anyway, the other day I had a very intense therapy session (No, I'm not crazy - if you have good insurance, YOU should seek therapy too. I highly recommend it for all! I think there's a chance of world peace if everyone saw a therapist...ok sorry rambling again). After this, I got on the train headed back home and was feeling VERY emotional...just kept telling myself "Don't cry, don't cry"...along with a million other thoughts racing through my being. I looked up and a couple seats away from me was a little boy, just looking at me. When I looked at him, he just gave me the sweetest little smile. His eyes looked so deep into mine. (I'm actually getting teary-eyed just writing about it)...needless to say, I just started weeping right there on the train. I needed that smile so badly, and there it was. I saw God (or something bigger than me) in that little boy.

Tonight I went to kickboxing as I often do on Wednesday nights. It's a great stress reliever, and I figured it would be good for me to go tonight, even though all day I'd been so looking forward to being home and by myself again. For days, I've not wanted to get out of bed - not from laziness - but from sheer undesire (I know, not a word) of showing my face to the world (really shows how deeply I believe in self-care right!)...anyway, my kickboxing instructor (who I think is one of the wisest people I know, although he'd never let me say that to his face) asked me to wait so he could walk home with me (which doesn't usually happen). On our walk, he asked me how I was doing since my break-up (which was 5 months ago, so kinda funny that he'd think of asking me tonight. He wouldn't know that it's something that's been on my mind almost constantly), also asked if we'd "stayed broken up or not." His questions led to an awesome conversation, and him sharing his wisdom with me. I got to kickboxing feeling down and agitated...I left tonight with a sense of peace. Of course, I'm not just amazingly healed in 20 minutes, but I feel more at peace than I have in awhile. I saw God (or something bigger than me) in my kickboxing instructor.

Whew - this is the longest blog post ever. Thanks for indulging me in my venting/sharing. The introvert in me has been in overdrive (quite understandable considering...) so it's easier for me to write it all down rather than try to put it into spoken words. Of course, there's been plenty of other times I've felt God, and there are plenty of people in my life who have been nothing but totally there for me...this post should not downplay how much I appreciate having you in my life.

~Peace & Love~

No comments: